You Give Me Faith

I am walking in circles

Written with Love on Saturday, 16 January 2010 | back to top

Finally after days, I can go online again. Even though with some crappy com from a cheap internet cafe. Damn it, I dont understand why my laptop's screen just refuse to work for me.. :[ well, it's my sis' laptop.. so in a way it is mine too right?

Haish, one thing I know is that I am thankful that it refuse to work after FEM was done or else I would have killed myself.. Just imagine that my com black out when I was in the middle of rushing FEM.. HORROR.. Anyway, since it never happened, I am thankful.. But now my TTB and CSI to risk.. Damn it really damn it :[

Gosh, I really hope that my sis' lappie will get well soon.. I need it urgently.. I have talked to it daily and it only makes me look like a fool :( and it doesnt get any better.. This tempts me to do sth.. If I were to drop it, will it be alright instantly? haha

Anyway, I have been thinking.. It seems like i turn out to be someone who look for others when I am in need.. I hate it! Although I am sure I dont do it but it seems like people have been helping me to do things and yet I have never helped them.. And I just dont know how to approach others for casual talk and all.. It's just seem weird and I dont want people to think that I am not genuine.. : (

May be my mood how adays have been down or bad.. and I know that there are people out there who care and are willing to listen to me.. But I have been full of myself and it has always been about me me and me.. They have not talked anything about themselves and I want to be at least a friend who will listen to their problems if its the least that I can do.. :( But sadly, I dont know how to say these things to them.. I have no idea how to convey my sincerity so I'll leave it.. What matters is that I'll be there when they need me... So, hopefully when they are troubled, they'll find me... And one thing that I want them to know is that, I will try to not only look for them when I need help.. Because I dont want to take advantage of your kindness and I simply dont want to be that kind of person.. It disgusting.. The truth is that I feel embarrassed myself to find people when I need help and I am just not the kind of person who will talk and ask people for any other casual occasions..

Im also too used to doing things on my own.. I mean everyone has their own agenda n priority.. Who am I to stop them from doing that just to follow my own agenda? I don't ask ppl to accompany me because I dont want to disturb them or be a burden to them.. So I just barely grow up doing things on my own.. At first it was lonely, but I got used to it and my perception changed.. I told myself that I know what I want to do and I dont need anyone to help me.. I can do it myself.. Now, I am just too used to it to pick up my phone n call or sms a friend to go with me.. Besides, I think I have another issue.. I am afraid of rejection.. Better to stay this way than hurt right? I am just a coward after all..

Talking about friends.. I think I have been helping strangers more than I help my own friends.. I should get my priority right.. My friends should come first right? But it seems easier to communicate with strangers sometimes and helping ppl just give you satisfaction...

Oh, there is another thing that has been bothering me.. I dont know why people just treat me like.... I dont know.. They are harsh and unfriendly with me when they are obviously enjoying themselves with others.. Like I said before, I dont expect much from others but I'd prefer to have them smile at me at least... It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me.. Is it because I am too courteous? I dont know why sometimes I am so courteous or respectful or anything like it.. I dont usually call names or scold but is it a bad thing? haish

May be you'd say that I am just to sensitive and perhaps I am really very sensitive over this kind of things.. But it doesnt explain anything because I know what I feel is real..
I dont even know why am I still so nice and courteous to them.. I should treat them back the same, shouldnt I? Why hurt myself further? I must be really silly..

Anyway, I shall get started with project or else I wont be in time to meet Nia later.. ( : and just ignore everything I said okay. I doubt it even makes any sense.. Its just something that I have been pondering about (:

Have a great weekend before all the nightmares (:

Everything just went back to square one

I am walking in circles

Written with Love on Saturday, 16 January 2010 | back to top

Everything just went back to square one